there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
