I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
