i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
