i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
