Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
