My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Randomize
