Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
