One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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