whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
