my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
