Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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