I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
