Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
