i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
