He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
