Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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