did you get engaged???
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
