Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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