Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
