shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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