By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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