I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
