The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
