I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
