You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
