I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
