I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
