I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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