She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
