SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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