and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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