Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
