new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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