Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
