Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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