I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
