I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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