I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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