she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just took my morning after pill in the library
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
