Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize