Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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