Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
