It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
