went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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