HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My vagina is officially offended.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
