I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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