tonight lets celebrate not being married
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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