my soul wont recognize me after tonight
there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
