Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
