Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize