youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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