wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my sisters under your porch take her home
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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