hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
