The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
