You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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