Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
