My sheets look like a crime scene.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
